What to expect when you start relationship therapy

It can feel daunting starting relationship therapy. This article tells you what to expect, so you can at least be prepared for what the few sessions will be like.

The first session

Hopefully, we'll have already met, as I offer a free Discovery Chat to see if we feel like a good fit.

The first session will build on that chat. We won't dive straight into the heavy stuff until we've got to know each other a bit better.

It's vital to invest this time getting to know each other, because the number one indicator of whether therapy is going to be effective is the relationship between the therapist and clients, regardless of the type of therapy. I work in partnership with you; we're in the work together, so we have to trust each other before we can explore deep-seated issues and difficult emotions.

Some things have to be covered in the first session, like how we're going to work together and the importance and limits of confidentiality.

Once we've got that out of the way, I'll ask you to tell me more about what's brought you to therapy, what your goals are, and why you've struggled to change things on your own.

Then I'll invite you to tell me how you met, how your relationship has developed, and how well you communicate and handle conflict. We'll also talk a bit about intimacy and sex - if you're ok with this.

As with every session, I will endeavour to give you equal time to talk, because it's important to hear everyone's perspective.

To be honest, that's enough for 50 minutes!

The next couple of sessions

The next couple of sessions will focus on gathering information about your individual backgrounds and your life outside of the relationship. We can do this in individual sessions or all together. It can be really beneficial, even if you've been together for a long time, for your partner(s) to hear (or be reminded of) what life was like before you met, your childhood, and previous relationships.

If you're wondering why I want to know so much about you before we get to the 'nitty-gritty', it's because early life experiences, relationships, and traumas shape our current emotions and behaviours. Having this context helps me identify repeating unhelpful patterns, understand the reasons for your reactions, and gives us a foundation on which to break old habits and start to heal your relationship.

In the first few sessions, I'm likely to ask you more questions than I will later on, but you only need to share what you feel comfortable sharing, as we'll have only just met.

Then what?

You will have shared a lot, so what do I do with everything you've told me?

I will create what's known as a 'case formulation', which I like to think of as a blueprint, summarising:

• your individual and relationship history

• your patterns of interacting with each other - what works and what doesn't

• the root causes of the challenges you're facing

• what's stopping you from making things better on your own, and

• most importantly, what I believe we can do to achieve your goals.

I'll share the formulation with you and ask for your feedback. The formulation is a collaborative, dynamic blueprint that sets the shape of therapy - it's not set in stone. We’re working together, so it's essential you have a say in shaping your therapy.

This article gives you a feel of what to expect when you start relationship therapy. I don't have a set way of working because every relationship is different, and your challenges are personal to you.